Friday, December 11, 2009

Dear Uncle James

I have been working on my application for the job you advertised. In preparation for my application I have collected some photographs:

ESSENTIAL QUALITIES:

The successful candidate will be able to show:

  • Slavish devotion to his/her master

I can be both slavish

slavish devotion

and devoted

devotion 

The successful candidate will be able to show

  • A silent tread

I tread so silently that even Molly doesn’t hear or notice me:

11112009669

The successful candidate will be able to show

  • A Preference for the shadows

I am quite good at this, I got up here so silently even the shadows didn’t hear me – here I am looking for them (because I prefer shadows):

DSCF2062

The successful candidate will be able to show

  • The ability to remember things everyone else has forgotten, in particular the location of interred cadavers

I am good at communication – particularly with the well known cadaver the purple hedgehog which needs to be put in its place from time to time - something everyone else forgets to do..so I am good at remembering things too. Although I don’t tend to need to remember, I just to do (because I am brilliant).

DSCF1885

He/she will ideally possess:

  • A degree in necromancy, witchcraft, or similar

  • A voice resembling the late Peter Lorre

  • A limp

  • Own cloak of secrecy

Accommodation provided in church cellar. Gruel and rat allowance. Terms on application.

I don’t have a degree, and I don’t talk much, nor do I have a limp, but I do have a cloak of secrecy –

Here I am taking a walk in the park:

26102009560

But I can also use it to cover my nose:

DSC05699

I also think I might like rats as they smell so nice.

I don’t need accommodation, but I think mum and I would like a cellar. Mum says you can’t put a cellar on a boat, so I thought we could keep it on the toe path.

Lots of Love

Yours Sincerely

Mr Boots

(minion in waiting)

3 Comments:

Blogger Halfie said...

Quite brilliant! If that doesn't get you the job, Boots, I don't know what will.

4:23 PM  
Anonymous Wozie said...

Boots should win paws down with that brilliantly composed story.
If not, perhaps you could enter him for 'dog of the year photo', he definitely knows how to pose in the most appealing way.
btw Toe path or paw path?

7:58 PM  
Blogger English Blogger (Davie B) said...

Hi Boots

Vould I borrow your cloak please? I would like to make my legs vanish and scare people as they leave the pub late at night

Thank you

I'll pay for borrow with some dead rotten cadavers of mice, hedgehogs and whatever else I find.

EB

5:30 PM  

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