Dear Uncle James

I have been working on my application for the job you advertised. In preparation for my application I have collected some photographs:

ESSENTIAL QUALITIES:

The successful candidate will be able to show:

• Slavish devotion to his/her master

I can be both slavish

and devoted

 

The successful candidate will be able to show

• A silent tread

I tread so silently that even Molly doesn’t hear or notice me:

The successful candidate will be able to show

• A Preference for the shadows

I am quite good at this, I got up here so silently even the shadows didn’t hear me – here I am looking for them (because I prefer shadows):

The successful candidate will be able to show

• The ability to remember things everyone else has forgotten, in particular the location of interred cadavers

I am good at communication – particularly with the well known cadaver the purple hedgehog which needs to be put in its place from time to time - something everyone else forgets to do..so I am good at remembering things too. Although I don’t tend to need to remember, I just to do (because I am brilliant).

He/she will ideally possess:

• A degree in necromancy, witchcraft, or similar

• A voice resembling the late Peter Lorre

• A limp

• Own cloak of secrecy

Accommodation provided in church cellar. Gruel and rat allowance. Terms on application.

I don’t have a degree, and I don’t talk much, nor do I have a limp, but I do have a cloak of secrecy –

Here I am taking a walk in the park:

But I can also use it to cover my nose:

I also think I might like rats as they smell so nice.

I don’t need accommodation, but I think mum and I would like a cellar. Mum says you can’t put a cellar on a boat, so I thought we could keep it on the toe path.

Lots of Love

Yours Sincerely

Mr Boots

(minion in waiting)