Grief?

It is nearly 4 months since my Mum died.  What I wrote then (here, here, and more especially here) hasn’t changed.

When Mum died I decided to give myself time to get used to ‘the change’.  I have been trying to work out what that ‘change’ is.  I can see each member of our family and friends getting on their way, the best they can, together.

The only way I can describe it is that it is like a flower growing and beginning to open its petals to full bloom.  Gentle, delicate, rooted, guided by the things around us, but ultimately facing the sun – purpose, restoration and beauty.

It is nearly 4months and strangely I find myself thinking it is about time Mum came home.  Don’t get me wrong I am not sad. I just find it strange; a life closed while ours goes on.

I can see the emptiness and the hole that her departure has left. It is like a chasm in the landscape but there, if you peer closely you can see wildflowers growing on the sides. Flowers growing with petals opening.

For one person time has stopped still, but for the rest of us life goes on.

When I was sitting by my Mothers bedside in those last hours her friend of many many loyal years came to visit and it was so lovely to see her. She sat by my mothers bedside and two souls connected in tender words and ageless.  She came twice and the first time she came Mum gained consciousness as her name was spoken.   It is one of the lasting, tender, moments of that time that I have.  It makes me realise that the greatest gift anyone can share and leave when they go is Love.  What I saw there was Love. It was out of this world. Utterly.  I left the room to leave them to share their moments.

Grief? I can’t feel grief, even now, just utter honour. That was my Mum that was.