Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Preparing for Children...... A Humerous Account....

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.*

*Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2 Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.
Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

13 Comments:

Blogger Lorna said...

I agree with all ... but your story only shows one side. So ... putting cynicism aside ... remember that small children reward you just enough to stop you committing infanticide and to keep you spending money on them into adulthood.

9:42 AM  
Blogger Simon said...

is this some kind of skewed and bizarre announcement? ;-)

10:30 AM  
Blogger MortimerBones said...

Good lordy - NO!

My sister sent it to me, and I thought it was so apt I would share it with you all on this fine day!!!!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Heth said...

Too one-sided to proclaim this if you have no personal experience. Chidren also bring joy & happiness, even if it is difficult at times...

11:51 AM  
Blogger WeepingCross said...

The bitter, terrible irony is that this was sent you by possibly the most effortlessly organised and unfazed mother in Christendom.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny. This had me laughing out loud. I can relate to almost all of it. I love my children dearly and they brought me great joy when they were young but...I have to admit.... I'm so glad we've survived childhood and they have successfully grown up!

4:43 PM  
Blogger MortimerBones said...

aw thanks mum... =o)

4:44 PM  
Blogger WeepingCross said...

She only means you all got out alive.

6:18 PM  
Blogger WeepingCross said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:18 PM  
Blogger MortimerBones said...

I didn't really think it was my mum posting... do you think it might have been! =o)

6:25 PM  
Blogger eeyore said...

Fter 35 years of parenthood and still counting, i can say that was maybe the best analysis of what it is like. However, I agree with Lorna. It misses out the thrill of hearing your child play Mozart's clarinet concerto at ther graduation from music school, the one to one quality time to and from University six times a year; the pride at numerous graduations; the wonder of hearing a child who could not speak, say his first words and confound medical experts; walking a beautiful daughter down the aisle; seeing your son's choice of girl for a wonderful wife. Paying for it all is a privelege. The thrills outway the spills. Who wants a clean house and squeaky clean adulthood anyway!

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Jan said...

No, it wasn't your mum posting! And i couldn't agree more with eeyore. Our children are both in their early 20s. We are looking forward to messy grandchildren!

7:02 PM  
Blogger English Blogger said...

He he he he you trouble causer :-))

5:27 PM  

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